Brian Salter's Blogs:
My Wife is a Hostess

 
This was a pretty dreadful poem I wrote when my exwife had started as an air stewardess with the now-defunct airline British Caledonian. It was published in their staff magazine. Not surprisingly, I was teased something rotten about it; but I'm including it as it was one of the first things I ever had published.

My wife is a hostess - I tell you no lie
'Twas only a year now she started to fly
To Amsterdam, Glasgow and Edinburgh too
It seemed at the start only these that she flew.

There's one of her duties - in the brief it is written
To serve to the masses cold pieces of chicken.
Let me tell you about that, dear reader, because
That's something that leaves me a bit at a loss

I've flown many airlines (I don't wish to brag)
And something I've noticed's a bit of a drag.
If you look at the menu you'll invariably find
Roast chicken, boiled turkey, something of that kind.

Is it cheaper than steak or other meat fare
Or is it just easier food to prepare?
It's not just B.Cal though, I hasten to add
British Airways and Dan Air are really as bad.

Well, we went on our holidays last month at last
With concessionary fares we flew KLM first.
I saw on the menu roast chicken or steak!
Well how about that for a bit of a break?

Alas as the hostess came round with the trolley
The look on her face said she was very sorry
The steak was all finished, but never mind Sir
There's chicken for you - with a smile I thanked her.

Thai Airways was next, but there was no chicken,
'Twas an old Hawker Siddeley and it had no kitchen.
They served rose petal juice, fresh guavas and mango
Which was prepacked at Bangkok and was good, don't you know.

With Air France we flew on a 747
And I'm happy to note that the flight was sheer heaven.
No chicken this time, but something called "poulet"
Though I thought to myself it was cooked in the same way!

On Cathay Pacific I never did notice
The food being offered because on their service
The drinks were all free - and despite my red nose **
I poured double gins right down to my toes.

MAS was an airline I just wouldn't miss
The girls are real beauties - but in spite of this
We had chicken butties - they don't call them that
(When I got up I found lots of crumbs in my lap).

We came back to England from Schiphol with B.CAL;
The No 1 hostess was a good looking gal,
"Stop Ogling!" the wife said "Now here comes the food
I'm feeling quite hungry, I hope that it's good."

With foreboding I looked at the tray being proffered
Expecting to .....
Great Scot!!!!!!
HAM!

PS On 10 flights we had chicken on 7 of them. Can anyone better this record?**

Red from the sun, I hasten to add!)